Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
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Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
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I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
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