she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
