i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.