so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
21 Distraught People Found Out They Had An STD
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
21 Ladies Reveal The Sexiest Thing A Man Can Do In A Public Setting
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.