someone threw a dead crab at me
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Randomize
