two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
