my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
