Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
