Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
