I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
