Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
