Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
