You smell like a Billy Joel song
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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