my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
