the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
