I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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