last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
