I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I lost the right to judge tonight
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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