He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
