You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
