I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
