My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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