i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
