I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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