the new term for farting is butt boxing.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance