Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
im calling her cock vulture from now on
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.