because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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