I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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