hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Randomize
