Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
