I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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