he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I didn't shave. On purpose
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
