My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
