you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
