I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
The best revenge is premature balding
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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