he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
