i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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