Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
