a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
