Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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