onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
