Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
