the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
