Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
