i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
