Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
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