we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
