That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
