Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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