she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
