We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
So many bounce houses so little time
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
