just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
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my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
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Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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