we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
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This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
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It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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