I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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