i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
