i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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