no, he came in my armpit
I need to stop coming to work sober
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
