Rock
Scissors
Fuck
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
