my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
